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Kyle

I looked over and record was not where it was supposed to be. I walked over, knelt down and slid the record back into it’s sleeve fully. And when I place it back in it’s home, I notice your record. My heartbeat hesitates. Live At Massey Hall 1971. It was your favorite record and you loaned it to me so that I too could enjoy it. I played it as I made dinner for myself, by myself.

The first time we hung out we ate cinnamon rolls and the sun hung in that sort of soft autumnal way it does that time of year. The air was crisp as we walked to the park. We sat on a bench and talked as you ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that you had smashed a granola bar into. We decided to go out west to your family’s house. You played me a song you wrote and we fed your sibling’s turtle lettuce.

As we drove back, the tension made things only slightly awkward. I asked you in to nap with me. You smelled soapy and sweet. Your light brown, shaggy hair was soft and clean. Your smile was kind, and innocent and your lips felt pillowy on mine.

You were sad like me. We shared that. Laying on a school yard black top, I knew you could never love me more than a friend. You took a photo of me laying across the state of Florida in my Unknown Pleasures tshirt. Your shadow was on me.

I saw you a while back. You seemed reserved, but you kind of always were. Only this time you didn’t show me a cute animal video like you always do. I was excited to see you. You had told me you had recently spent time in the hospital. I knew what you meant. Your heart sunk the bench on which we sat. I hugged your arm, and spoke of us doing something soon.

When I found out what happened. I didn’t know what to think. Things like this happen in peoples lives, but it hadn’t in mine. Not to anyone close. Not to anyone who had been inside of me. Not to someone whose breath i had breathed, whose face i had caressed. I felt foolish that I had not heard, but I was not surprised. I felt hurt, but I also feel relieved. I know what it is like to want to die. I know what it is like to be trapped by loneliness.

I miss you, and think of you. I think of your smile and your eyes and that flower you gave me that lived on my bookshelf for so long. I will miss the dots on your face and the sweet, soapy way you smelled-slightly of American Spirits.

May your heart float up and out and your body return to the universe and become the stuff of stars.

And Next… A Balancing Act

I woke up angry today. I still feel a little agitated. Everything I saw bothered me. All of my thoughts were negative and I still, very much, want to lash out. I stopped taking my depression meds this month. Part of it was due to the anxiety I had about setting up what would be my final therapy session for a while, and the other was the stress and inconvenience that would come from having to set up a 10 minute appointment with a doctor that I would have to spend at least 80 minutes traveling to/from. I surprisingly haven’t really had any negative side effects…. but I am starting to feel the sad again, creeping in on me. It’s like a haunting old jazz number played from a distant victrola. The lights are dim and warm yellow, the air is smokey. My brain feels a bit foggy, and I am very tired. My anxiety about these things is constant, yet it keep it smothered- I’m not using this pillow for sleep anyway. I have started to feel that old familiar boredom that once was my shadow. I am not excited for you. The distance between myself and those I am moderately close with is expanding. My inability to be truly intimate with anyone but a lover is worrisome. Coming to terms with my perpetual loneliness in this world is something I have always struggled with, and had felt most recently that I had been coming to terms with, at least slightly. Returning to my “natural” self, one free of chemical intrusion, is a strange thing both physically and mentally. On top of my leap of a transition into the unknown over the past month with major job change, my more pronounced anxiety has me questioning what I am to be doing. I worry my moods will be coming back, but I want to be strong. I am strong. I used to be strong. I don’t know. This house is haunted. I hear you singing old friend

Carter Lake

I close my eyes and it’s summer. We are lying pool, just you and I, on floating rafts. It’s quiet and the sun makes me skin feel like it is radiating heat. As it take a moment to sleepily open my eyes, I can see my chest rise and fall as I breathe deeply. We had been playing with your sister, but she’s gone now. I close my eyes, and can still see where the sun was. The wind brushing through the leaves sounds like the ocean. We hold pruney fingers right below the water. I love you, i love you, i love you. I think to myself over and over, as if the words would never lose their meaning if i were to never stop repeating them. I meant it too.

Our flesh and our hearts were warm. Each moment that summer seemed like it would last forever. Stuck in time, we were emerged, fully, in each other- in breath and touch and sound and life. I had never touched lips so perfect, I had never felt so beautiful. My smile wide and unashamed. 

I loved you when you slept. I loved you awake as well. But, when you slept I was overwhelmed by your presence. I loved your body tangled in mine. A kiss on the back or the shoulder. Your smell, intoxicating, as if I had a dependency on your physical make up; your essence I craved, my molecules yearned to mix with yours- if only for a touch, a second, a blink. I would study your face. I’d take an inventory of your skin, the lines, marks and hairs- I did it so I could remember this perfection in it’s entirety. My heart has a picture of you carved in it so I can remember both the beauty and pain.

I loved you when you slept. I loved you awake as well. But, when you slept I was overwhelmed by your presence. I loved your body tangled in mine. A kiss on the back or the shoulder. Your smell, intoxicating, as if I had a dependency on your physical make up; your essence I craved, my molecules yearned to mix with yours- if only for a touch, a second, a blink. I would study your face. I’d take an inventory of your skin, the lines, marks and hairs- I did it so I could remember this perfection in it’s entirety. My heart has a picture of you carved in it so I can remember both the beauty and pain.

Nothing

I once knew a boy who loved me when I was in high school and most recently told me about how when we would sing in his car he would watch my mouth make the words and one word that particularly stuck out was “nothing,” how the tip of my tongue lingered on my front two teeth as the word poured out of my mouth. As if to suddenly become self conscious, I now sometimes think about the way I’m doing things, wondering if people watch. Holding door railings or pulling the indicator on the bus. I know there are things I love to see others do, perhaps I think about myself too much.

Anonymous asked: Are you in jail?

nope.

The Morning

The ticking of your watch in my ear, a gentle reminder as your fingers delicately stroked my neck.

Treasure Map

"I’m sorry I was careless with something more delicate than it seemed. I had blinders. I treasure you. My last letter was a map. I’m giving what I can now in hopes that in the future I can give more. I know there will come a time I have more time and I would love to share it with you."

this is how I want the world to know me. 

this is how I want the world to know me. 

I figured it would take me a while after Zoe’s passing to love a new kitty, but when I saw Lucy I knew she was for me. My Zoe size heart hole will never be filled completely, but Lucy is a good start! Welcome to my life you beautiful creature. (oh and she has one eye!!)

I figured it would take me a while after Zoe’s passing to love a new kitty, but when I saw Lucy I knew she was for me. My Zoe size heart hole will never be filled completely, but Lucy is a good start! Welcome to my life you beautiful creature. (oh and she has one eye!!)

Like Letters from Douglas County Corrections

I got a letter today. It is strange having contact with someone who has no contact with anyone basically. In a way I understand, that disconnect-lonely hearts in each others gravitational fields. A strange infatuation. 

"I’ve had to sleep near so many dudes. It’s really no good. I don’t sleep much. It’s way better sleeping next to you. That’s a horrible compliment perhaps. BUT, if we could bunk together in jail, jail would be pretty fucking sweet and we could use one of the bunks as a breakfast nook and share the bed. That is a better compliment."

Calls from the Clink

"We’re going to get cut off, but I think you are splendid, I miss you, and I wish I could sleep in your bed."

Goodnight

As I fell to the floor I could feel that my heart was now lead. My fear had come true as I look at her stomach to check for breath. Tears exploded out of me as I lay next to her body with her paw in my hand. My heavy breathing gave the illusion of life, but she was gone. My best friend, my companion lives no more. There is a hole in my heart. I will love you forever and always. Sweet dreams my sweet Zoe.

Tuesday 4:51am

I miss your morning visits. I miss your sweet embrace. Worn close to me like a hip slung baby, adjusting with my every breathe. Your smell, saltly and sweet. A chain laying on your neck and sheets, your belly peek a booing from your sweatshirt. Your want to keep me with you as I reach out of your arms for the alarm. “I have to go soon,” I’d always whisper to the side of your lips with a kiss. But really, it was you, each visit, each goodbye kiss and squeeze of the hand, saying it to me.

Kyle

I looked over and record was not where it was supposed to be. I walked over, knelt down and slid the record back into it’s sleeve fully. And when I place it back in it’s home, I notice your record. My heartbeat hesitates. Live At Massey Hall 1971. It was your favorite record and you loaned it to me so that I too could enjoy it. I played it as I made dinner for myself, by myself.

The first time we hung out we ate cinnamon rolls and the sun hung in that sort of soft autumnal way it does that time of year. The air was crisp as we walked to the park. We sat on a bench and talked as you ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that you had smashed a granola bar into. We decided to go out west to your family’s house. You played me a song you wrote and we fed your sibling’s turtle lettuce.

As we drove back, the tension made things only slightly awkward. I asked you in to nap with me. You smelled soapy and sweet. Your light brown, shaggy hair was soft and clean. Your smile was kind, and innocent and your lips felt pillowy on mine.

You were sad like me. We shared that. Laying on a school yard black top, I knew you could never love me more than a friend. You took a photo of me laying across the state of Florida in my Unknown Pleasures tshirt. Your shadow was on me.

I saw you a while back. You seemed reserved, but you kind of always were. Only this time you didn’t show me a cute animal video like you always do. I was excited to see you. You had told me you had recently spent time in the hospital. I knew what you meant. Your heart sunk the bench on which we sat. I hugged your arm, and spoke of us doing something soon.

When I found out what happened. I didn’t know what to think. Things like this happen in peoples lives, but it hadn’t in mine. Not to anyone close. Not to anyone who had been inside of me. Not to someone whose breath i had breathed, whose face i had caressed. I felt foolish that I had not heard, but I was not surprised. I felt hurt, but I also feel relieved. I know what it is like to want to die. I know what it is like to be trapped by loneliness.

I miss you, and think of you. I think of your smile and your eyes and that flower you gave me that lived on my bookshelf for so long. I will miss the dots on your face and the sweet, soapy way you smelled-slightly of American Spirits.

May your heart float up and out and your body return to the universe and become the stuff of stars.

And Next… A Balancing Act

I woke up angry today. I still feel a little agitated. Everything I saw bothered me. All of my thoughts were negative and I still, very much, want to lash out. I stopped taking my depression meds this month. Part of it was due to the anxiety I had about setting up what would be my final therapy session for a while, and the other was the stress and inconvenience that would come from having to set up a 10 minute appointment with a doctor that I would have to spend at least 80 minutes traveling to/from. I surprisingly haven’t really had any negative side effects…. but I am starting to feel the sad again, creeping in on me. It’s like a haunting old jazz number played from a distant victrola. The lights are dim and warm yellow, the air is smokey. My brain feels a bit foggy, and I am very tired. My anxiety about these things is constant, yet it keep it smothered- I’m not using this pillow for sleep anyway. I have started to feel that old familiar boredom that once was my shadow. I am not excited for you. The distance between myself and those I am moderately close with is expanding. My inability to be truly intimate with anyone but a lover is worrisome. Coming to terms with my perpetual loneliness in this world is something I have always struggled with, and had felt most recently that I had been coming to terms with, at least slightly. Returning to my “natural” self, one free of chemical intrusion, is a strange thing both physically and mentally. On top of my leap of a transition into the unknown over the past month with major job change, my more pronounced anxiety has me questioning what I am to be doing. I worry my moods will be coming back, but I want to be strong. I am strong. I used to be strong. I don’t know. This house is haunted. I hear you singing old friend

Carter Lake

I close my eyes and it’s summer. We are lying pool, just you and I, on floating rafts. It’s quiet and the sun makes me skin feel like it is radiating heat. As it take a moment to sleepily open my eyes, I can see my chest rise and fall as I breathe deeply. We had been playing with your sister, but she’s gone now. I close my eyes, and can still see where the sun was. The wind brushing through the leaves sounds like the ocean. We hold pruney fingers right below the water. I love you, i love you, i love you. I think to myself over and over, as if the words would never lose their meaning if i were to never stop repeating them. I meant it too.

Our flesh and our hearts were warm. Each moment that summer seemed like it would last forever. Stuck in time, we were emerged, fully, in each other- in breath and touch and sound and life. I had never touched lips so perfect, I had never felt so beautiful. My smile wide and unashamed. 

I loved you when you slept. I loved you awake as well. But, when you slept I was overwhelmed by your presence. I loved your body tangled in mine. A kiss on the back or the shoulder. Your smell, intoxicating, as if I had a dependency on your physical make up; your essence I craved, my molecules yearned to mix with yours- if only for a touch, a second, a blink. I would study your face. I’d take an inventory of your skin, the lines, marks and hairs- I did it so I could remember this perfection in it’s entirety. My heart has a picture of you carved in it so I can remember both the beauty and pain.

I loved you when you slept. I loved you awake as well. But, when you slept I was overwhelmed by your presence. I loved your body tangled in mine. A kiss on the back or the shoulder. Your smell, intoxicating, as if I had a dependency on your physical make up; your essence I craved, my molecules yearned to mix with yours- if only for a touch, a second, a blink. I would study your face. I’d take an inventory of your skin, the lines, marks and hairs- I did it so I could remember this perfection in it’s entirety. My heart has a picture of you carved in it so I can remember both the beauty and pain.

Nothing

I once knew a boy who loved me when I was in high school and most recently told me about how when we would sing in his car he would watch my mouth make the words and one word that particularly stuck out was “nothing,” how the tip of my tongue lingered on my front two teeth as the word poured out of my mouth. As if to suddenly become self conscious, I now sometimes think about the way I’m doing things, wondering if people watch. Holding door railings or pulling the indicator on the bus. I know there are things I love to see others do, perhaps I think about myself too much.

Anonymous asked: Are you in jail?

nope.

The Morning

The ticking of your watch in my ear, a gentle reminder as your fingers delicately stroked my neck.

Treasure Map

"I’m sorry I was careless with something more delicate than it seemed. I had blinders. I treasure you. My last letter was a map. I’m giving what I can now in hopes that in the future I can give more. I know there will come a time I have more time and I would love to share it with you."

this is how I want the world to know me. 

this is how I want the world to know me. 

I figured it would take me a while after Zoe’s passing to love a new kitty, but when I saw Lucy I knew she was for me. My Zoe size heart hole will never be filled completely, but Lucy is a good start! Welcome to my life you beautiful creature. (oh and she has one eye!!)

I figured it would take me a while after Zoe’s passing to love a new kitty, but when I saw Lucy I knew she was for me. My Zoe size heart hole will never be filled completely, but Lucy is a good start! Welcome to my life you beautiful creature. (oh and she has one eye!!)

Like Letters from Douglas County Corrections

I got a letter today. It is strange having contact with someone who has no contact with anyone basically. In a way I understand, that disconnect-lonely hearts in each others gravitational fields. A strange infatuation. 

"I’ve had to sleep near so many dudes. It’s really no good. I don’t sleep much. It’s way better sleeping next to you. That’s a horrible compliment perhaps. BUT, if we could bunk together in jail, jail would be pretty fucking sweet and we could use one of the bunks as a breakfast nook and share the bed. That is a better compliment."

Calls from the Clink

"We’re going to get cut off, but I think you are splendid, I miss you, and I wish I could sleep in your bed."

Goodnight

As I fell to the floor I could feel that my heart was now lead. My fear had come true as I look at her stomach to check for breath. Tears exploded out of me as I lay next to her body with her paw in my hand. My heavy breathing gave the illusion of life, but she was gone. My best friend, my companion lives no more. There is a hole in my heart. I will love you forever and always. Sweet dreams my sweet Zoe.

Tuesday 4:51am

I miss your morning visits. I miss your sweet embrace. Worn close to me like a hip slung baby, adjusting with my every breathe. Your smell, saltly and sweet. A chain laying on your neck and sheets, your belly peek a booing from your sweatshirt. Your want to keep me with you as I reach out of your arms for the alarm. “I have to go soon,” I’d always whisper to the side of your lips with a kiss. But really, it was you, each visit, each goodbye kiss and squeeze of the hand, saying it to me.

Kyle
And Next… A Balancing Act
Carter Lake
Nothing
The Morning
Treasure Map
Like Letters from Douglas County Corrections
Calls from the Clink
Goodnight
Tuesday 4:51am

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