I once knew a boy who loved me when I was in high school and most recently told me about how when we would sing in his car he would watch my mouth make the words and one word that particularly stuck out was “nothing,” how the tip of my tongue lingered on my front two teeth as the word poured out of my mouth. As if to suddenly become self conscious, I now sometimes think about the way I’m doing things, wondering if people watch. Holding door railings or pulling the indicator on the bus. I know there are things I love to see others do, perhaps I think about myself too much.

Anonymous asked: Are you in jail?

nope.

The ticking of your watch in my ear, a gentle reminder as your fingers delicately stroked my neck.

“I’m sorry I was careless with something more delicate than it seemed. I had blinders. I treasure you. My last letter was a map. I’m giving what I can now in hopes that in the future I can give more. I know there will come a time I have more time and I would love to share it with you.”

I got a letter today. It is strange having contact with someone who has no contact with anyone basically. In a way I understand, that disconnect-lonely hearts in each others gravitational fields. A strange infatuation. 

“I’ve had to sleep near so many dudes. It’s really no good. I don’t sleep much. It’s way better sleeping next to you. That’s a horrible compliment perhaps. BUT, if we could bunk together in jail, jail would be pretty fucking sweet and we could use one of the bunks as a breakfast nook and share the bed. That is a better compliment.”

“We’re going to get cut off, but I think you are splendid, I miss you, and I wish I could sleep in your bed.”

As I fell to the floor I could feel that my heart was now lead. My fear had come true as I look at her stomach to check for breath. Tears exploded out of me as I lay next to her body with her paw in my hand. My heavy breathing gave the illusion of life, but she was gone. My best friend, my companion lives no more. There is a hole in my heart. I will love you forever and always. Sweet dreams my sweet Zoe.

I miss your morning visits. I miss your sweet embrace. Worn close to me like a hip slung baby, adjusting with my every breathe. Your smell, saltly and sweet. A chain laying on your neck and sheets, your belly peek a booing from your sweatshirt. Your want to keep me with you as I reach out of your arms for the alarm. “I have to go soon,” I’d always whisper to the side of your lips with a kiss. But really, it was you, each visit, each goodbye kiss and squeeze of the hand, saying it to me.

The loneliness is less crippling now, I’m taking back what I never had. Days made dreamier in a drunken haze, nights less cold in warm embrace. Fingers entwined, and shoulder kisses in and out of dreams like sun on my skin. Beacons of light like stars in the sky, twinkling, winking at me assuring me things are ok. Tenderness is a drug, when destroying yourself seems inevitable.

Today I crave your voice. Words and songs that make my heart flutter. I desire your smile; your eyes. Your arm draped lovingly around my body. Your lips caressing my shoulders as they are worthy of affection. you make me feel lovely, to feel worthy and strange. I want to feel your silky smooth skin on my cheek, your cheek smashed in mine. Let’s dream together. Let’s hope and play. Let me know your secrets and I’ll show you I won’t tell.

When we are together, I become unstuck in time. I cease to acknowledge my existence because I am overcome by it. I want to be with you. I feel light- the corners of my mouth float towards the sun. And as its warmth, reflected off of you, washes over me I feel happy. The heaviness in my heart stops, and just for a moment I can breathe. And so I breathe you into me. You taste like smoke and relief. I want to touch you, to be near to you- to taste your skin. I want to lick inside of your lips, our mouths moving together in a conversation of lust. I want to feel your body pressed into mine as my thigh find itself between yours- your pocket poking me with the cigarettes it has hidden inside. But as quickly as you appeared, you leave. My self, my charms are not enough. Too busy. Though you’re conflicted, I wonder if you’ll ever find me to be enough. The doubt floods my heart with lead and I sink into myself. Unlovable- unknowable. A secret for no one.